The Beauty is in the Breakdown

I’ve been sober a little while. Nothing super fancy, but everyday I’m sober is one more day than I used to be and something to be grateful for. I don’t know where I got this idea that once I got sober everything was going to be perfect, no one ever told me that would be the case. I think some major defects come into play here and I think sometimes I still feel invincible. I work a lot harder on it today but a few months back some things began to happen, life is what it was.

 I would call my sponsor quite often upset beyond belief about something one of the people I hung out with did or said, or how my feelings were hurt because of actions that were taken. This had gone on for a few months, sometimes it would be a big issue and sometimes I would just mention it in passing. My sponsor always said, “You wanna quit feeling that way? Quit living that way!” I was forced to make one of the hardest decisions I had made yet in my sobriety. I had to walk away from a group of friends that I loved more than anything. These were friends I had made in alcoholics anonymous, sober members. Unfortunately at the time, we were not all on the same path.  I was scared these friends would think I thought I was better than them or that I was special or looking down on them. The truth of the matter is, to an extent; I was. I have learned that I come to alcoholics anonymous to want better for my life and to make better choices and decisions, to make sure those things can happen.  I made new friends, went to different fellowships, and got busy with sponsees. I found that while I was caught up with my previous group of friends I had stopped doing the basics of A.A. that got me through my first year.  I had to be selfish enough for my sobriety to be able to walk away from something that wasn’t bringing anything positive to what I was trying to do. Soon after I was getting involved more and some time had passed, one of my friends began to see why I had done what I had done. None of these people from my old group were bad people, I had met them in the rooms and they were still sober, they had just lost sight, same way I had. She began to talk to me a bit about what was going on in her life and I got to share that it was never that I wanted to lose their friendships, but I had to continue on the positive journey that I belonged on, because if I didn’t believe that, then what was I even doing here? She understood. She too began to back away from the group as much as possible just to gather her bearings and she and I began to talk and hang out again. Then the same thing happened with another person. Eventually my whole group of friends had made some decisions.  

This has taught me so many lessons. The one I am the most grateful for is that doing the right thing, even though hard, is still the right thing. And in the end, is the most attractive for my life and for others around me. Not being in the middle of A.A. gives so much more chance for all my defects to flare up, to take part in action that causes harm to others and me. I don’t want to live that way anymore. So I am forever grateful for the ability to take some sponsor direction, finally, and do what I needed to do. I am also glad that in doing what I had done, even though confusing to them at first, helped my friends realize they could get back on track in their programs too. I love my friends, I am grateful for them and today I can say that our friendships are centered on the principles we have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous. And our lives are anything but boring and glum. We are young sober women. We are loud-we like to dance and chain smoke cigarettes. We fall short, daily, but that’s the beauty of the steps and a higher power, it’s expected of us. The beauty is in the breakdown, because only in the breakdown, do I learn to take different action.

— 3 Legacies Home Group Member

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