No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. ~ Big Book, pg. 30
I remember when I began drinking it was because I hated feeling apart from others. I had a lot of hangups, anxiety and depression that kept me from relating to others. Alcohol made me feel a part of. When I drank, I felt “normal.” For the life of me, I could not have defined what the heck “”normal” was then or now. I just knew that when I drank, I was more glib. I could party without hangups. I could be the life of the party, or at least I thought I could be. Alcohol gave me courage to do and say things I would never try when sober. When I looked around, I saw others not drinking or stopping at 3-4 beers. I saw people drink without the consequences or results I kept having. I was no jealous of them. I pitied them for not being able to drink to heavily as I could. I thought it was a sign of strength to be able to tolerate such heavy levels of booze. I did not notice that I was in trouble. I thought I had this thing under control.
I did not get it that I was different than others until I got into AA and got sober. My perceptions were drowned out and hazed over by the very substance I thought gave me strength. I had no clue that it controlled me, not the other way around. It took a few years to admit that I was not the same as everyone else. I had to admit that I had this disease, that I was out of control, and that I needed help. Those were hard admissions for a stubborn girl like me. I knew that they were necessary admissions if I were to ever find recovery. Thank goodness for AA, and that I found AA sooner than later.